Hudson

//Kammii-Chan Here. Cheerz people!//

//She sits. Watching. Learning. On the branch of the thick forest tree, she is waiting. For twilight. The time at which her hunt begins. During the day she stays hidden from the world, keeping solitary and isolated. She hides in the shadows learning about the many things around her. Her mind is filled with an endless array of queries that continuously grows during her time of ensconcing. But at the tip of twilight, when the sun and eyes of the world are away, she emerges. She comes out from her safe zone and readies herself for the climax of her day, her inquisition.// //Throughout this year I’ve found myself exploring the depths of myself and others. Throughout this year I’ve found myself always wondering the word “why” and “how”. Throughout this year I’ve found myself searching for things, understanding things, reading things, thinking about everything, and yet not finding what I feel as though I’m looking for. Lately there’s been this craving of understanding and knowledge that is insatiable.

Table of Matters -

1. Odyssey Essay

2. Memoir

3. Kindred Essay

4. Macbeth Creative Project

5. Journal One

6. Journal Two

7. Journal Three

8. Journal Four

9. . Reflection

Odyssey Essay -// //In October Ms, Dunn assaigned a benchmark to my class. Our assignment was to write an essay about the different personalities of the characters in the Odyssey and to specify, my essay was about the many faces of women.//

 //In the world we live in people believe that men are the complicated ones and men are the bad ones but it’s really women of our world who have many different sides and faces. They have their soft side and their hard side, their good side and bad side, and every single woman in this world shows every single one of those faces at one time or another. Sometimes the best way to see the different elevations of a women’s character is to read a book. In books, characters tend to show and stand for the different sides of people exaggerating or ballooning a certain personality or characteristic to emphasize the type of person the character is. For example, in the book,// **__//The Odyssey//__ **//, the female characters show different sides of themselves. They show women from honest and faithful, to weak, dirty, and manipulative. The women I can best use to describe this is Penelope, Clytemnestra, and Calypso. Penelope, Clytemnestra, and Calypso are all examples of different sides of women.// //In// ** __//the Odyssey//__ **//, Penelope showed the cunning and strong willed side of women. She stands for the side of women who knows how to get out of any rough situation and she symbolizes the “For three years now, getting on to four, she’s played it fast and loose with all our hearts, building each man’s hopes - dangling promises, dropping hints to each”// **//Book 2, page 96, line 96 - 99 //** //so says a suitor named Antinous. In this part of the tale Antinous was describing how Penelope was toying with the suitors and leading them on. This is the part of the story where I realized the level of intelligence and will power Penelope had.// //Penelope used her wits and thought of a way to stall the suitors for she believed in her heart that Odysseus wasn’t dead. She was willed to buy him time at any means. Penelope kept faith in Odysseus even though everyone else said to her there was no hope for his return. Her character showed that women will fight for what they believe and stand by their belief strong and boldly. Her character also showed the side of women that is quick-witted and able. The next person I’ll talk about, you might say is the opposite of Penelope.// //Yes, Clytemnstra is no Penelope. Clytemnstra show the side of women that is weak and wicked. “Clytemnstra the queen, her will was faithful still ... That day the doom of the gods had bound her to surrender”// **//Book 3, Page 116, Lines 304-308 //** //so says King Nestor as he tells Telemachus about the death of Agamemnon. See, in this quote, Clytemnestra was getting hit on. At first she stayed strong, staying faithful to her husband, but then after a while she gave in to the wooer and her selfish needs. Clythemnestra’s need for love and her lust got the best of her, because she was weak. She chose to betray her family, kill her husband, and make her son a murderer just for sleazy sex.// //Speaking of sex, the next women that I want to talk about is Calypso. Calypso shows the side of women that is Lustful and Seductive. She’s kind of in the middle between Penelope and Clytemnestra. I say this because Calypso is strong-willed and persistent in her plots to seduce and sleep with men. She’s gives in to her temptation like Clytemnestra, except that Calypso’s entire existence is based around fulfilling her temptation. “Calypso, the bewitching nymph, the lustrous goddess, held him back, deep in her aching caverns, craving him for a husband” it reads in the book.// **//Book One, page 78, line 17 - 18 //** //This quote shows exactly what Calypso is, charter wise. She’s so consumed in lust that she’d keep a war hero captive and away from his family. She’s so seductive and alluring that, even though Odysseus didn’t want to, he slept with her and enjoyed ever bit of it.// //So yes, Penelope, Clytemnestra, and Calypso are all examples of different sides of women. They show how women can be manipulative and fixated on love, weak and easily wooed, and strong and strong willed.// **__//The Odyssey//__ ** //takes the characteristics of women and magnifies them into their characters. Women in general have many different sides and faces, and every female sees and shows every side at one time or another.//

//Memoir -//

// The following is something I wrote over the summer of 2009 for a contest about addictions on a website called storywrite.com. I was hurting and depressed and my mind was in spirals. I thought that if I wrote this, It would help get things organized and I thought that if I wrote this and entered this into a contest someone would comment and tell me that I would be okay. I needed someone that I didn’t know, someone who knew nothing about me to tell me that they’d been in my position and that I would be okay. Why? I’m not sure, but hearing it from my friends didn’t help me. // // Winter of 2010, in the second quarter, My English teacher Ms. Dunn assigned us an interesting project. The project was basically to craft a journal entry using different stylistic devices that we had learned during that semester. At first I was going to write about the current boyfriend, Bryan Lee, but it didn’t feel right. I wrote it and it ended up being about two pages and a half long but I wasn’t satisfied with it. “This isn’t good enough…” something kept saying to me. Then one day I happened to be going over all the things I had written on storywrite.com and I looked over this contest entry I had written called “Can’t Let Go”. I remembered how proud I had felt when I first wrote it. I remembered thinking “This is the greatest thing I’ve ever written” to myself as I was putting the finishing touches on it. // //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> I read over it a couple times, thinking of how I had grown from then to now and examined it. Trying to find the difference between the way I was then to the current me. There was a transformation I felt occurring within myself and I felt that this piece of writing was the trigger of it. So I took it, revised it, added the stylistic devises, and turned it in. Knowing that at the end of the year I could reflect on it. // //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> CAN’T LET GO – // //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> There are all kinds of addictions that people have in this world. There are people who get addicted to drugs, sex, alcohol, gambling, and much more. With me, I'm addicted to a guy. My first boyfriend... We began as rivals and best friends and the next thing we knew, we were going out <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__. For three months we were happy. For three months we were good. For three months it felt like my life were perfect and after three months of him making me feel so good, I couldn't let him go.__ ** // //<span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Like a drug addict__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">, I felt like I couldn't live without him. He numbed any pain I felt and took me off into another world. I remember when I was wrapped in his arms the walls around us faded away, the ground beneath dissolved out from under us, and we floated across the sky locked to each other. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> __Like someone addicted to gambling__ ****<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__, I put in everything I had and more.__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Every second of my free time was spent thinking of him in some way. I'd thought of every possible way of trying to make him happy. I gave him presents, cards, hugs, and kisses. I gave him a shoulder to cry on when he was down, and lent a hand when he was in need. // //<span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Like an alcoholic__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">, he made me feel so intoxicated. I got a buzz just from the sight of him after gym, seeing him hot and sweaty and smiling at me. Or when I laid down on him, and buried my face into his shirt, inhaling his existence. It made me light headed. And besides his body and sent I found the way he sounded overwhelming too. When I heard him talking, every other sound in the world would cease to exist. // //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> But like all addictions, there's always something unhealthy about it. Something that makes it bad. Things you get addicted to hurt you, though sometimes you can't realize it on your own. My addiction hurt me emotionally and mentally. I had mental break downs all the time and couldn't control them. I cried so much because and for him. Sometimes I cried so hard it was as if <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__my tears were crying tears__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">. On the weekends, when we were apart ( because I only saw him in school ) I tended to get depressed. Life seems to just go numb and everything seemed pointless. I found myself feeling as though I was meaningless without him. // //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> When we would get into arguments in school, I'd go home and cry myself to sleep. I'd stress out every day, wondering if I did everything possible to make him happy, or if I did something wrong to upset him. Whenever he seemed to suddenly disown me as his girlfriend I'd freak out inside. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__I'd sit in class, fighting back tears__ **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__,__ <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> trying to figure out what I possibly could have done wrong to make him not want people to know about us. // //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> And it wasn’t a one-time thing when it came to him disowning our relationship. He denied me in front of people, lying about being with me when anyone besides his or my immediate friends asked. He ignored me half the day sometimes, saying he was too busy, and couldn't even spare five minutes to talk with me. His neglect of me caused this almost unbearable pain. I cried for a week straight sometimes at night. I began getting thoughts of suicide, and hurting myself. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;"> **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__I was a rusted broken pipe, leaking sadness heavily.__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> My best friends Anthony and Jenny would always say I tried too hard. They'd say "Dump his ass! He ain't worth it!" Like any addict, I made up excuses for him, saying he had a good reason for the way he treated me and everything would be okay. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;"> **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Over and over__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> I said it to myself, <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">__<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">“ **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.” **__ <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">And <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Over and Over__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> I lied to them and myself. Yet <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Over and Over__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> I tried so hard to stop loving him. To stop loving him enough to tell him I wanted to leave him, although he and I both knew I didn't. // //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> I was able to quit once, but like so many other addicts who tried to stop, the urges got too strong. I tried with all my might but it wasn’t enough to fight off that lust I had for my addiction. The second day after I left he catches me off guard, <span style="font-family: Times,serif;"> __**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">and then **__ <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">for the first time in our relationship, he tells me that he loves me. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;"> **<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__And then__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">he asks me to take him back. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__And then__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">I, with out a second thought, said yes. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__And then__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">, soon enough, the end of the school year came and he tried to dump me. // //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> He said he loves me a lot but doesn’t want to live through the summer being with me but away from me since we can't see each other out of school (Complicated). I begged and pleaded until the very last day but his decision was final. The night before the last day of school I had a dream that I was on the ground of the school yard, unable to move and crying, watching him walk away from me. On the last day of school I begged him. I clung to him, begging, fighting verbally to convince him that we could work this. Right before he got onto the bus that once in a fairytale we used to get on together, he told me okay. He told me he'd call me and visit somehow. // //<span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__One Week__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> goes by and along with that week was my birthday. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> __One week and my birthday go by__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">and I didn’t cry or scream or get angry. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> __One week and a birthday go by__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">and I didn’t feel. I didn’t feel the sting of him not calling on my birthday even though he promised. To keep my feelings numb I convinced myself that he probably was caught up in something important and would call soon. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__So every day I clung to my cell phone like it was my life__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">. It never rang. I wanted so bad to just let go, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get him off my mind. My friends felt sorry for me. They hated him for making me like that although I tell them it's not his fault. It's my fault. I was the one would just COULDN’T LET GO...
 * //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> __Like a smoker, i needed him everyday__. //**//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Every chance I could I’d light the cigarette that was he and inhale. I'd hug him, touch him, show him that I loved him.I devoted my everything to him. <span style="font-family: Times,serif;">**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Like sex to a sex addicted__ ** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">, he was the only thing on my mind. I couldn't go five minutes without his face or name coming up in my thoughts. I’d find myself sketching pictures of him all over my notebooks, making graffiti of his name on the back of test, and quizzes. //

Kindred - //

//**<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Embracing the Dark Side **//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">

This Essay I did was about a book called Kindred and how the characters in the book had two different sides to them. When I wrote this essay I was reminded of all the self hate I used to have for myself. I was reminded of all the things about myself that I couldn’t stand. I have many self issues with my personality, habits, beliefs, emotions, and appearance. When I Wrote this essay I wrote it as a wake up call to myself, saying that some things are just the way they are and that I’m going to be stuck with myself for awhile so I might as well get used to all of me. Writing this essay really did help me because I looked at three main characters from a book who I could all relate to and said to myself “Sooner or later I’m going to be one of them… And I better hope to god that out of the three of them I end up like Dana.”

There isn’t a human on this planet who can honestly say they’re fully content with who they are. There will always be something that you don’t like and try to hide and suppress. There will always be an insatiable feeling within yourself say that something about you isn’t right and the fact is, because of that, all people have two sides; a dark and light. For the most part, a person’s light side is the side of them that they like. It’s the side of them that they can accept and embrace and every so often show off, and it’s vise-versa with a person’s dark side. It’s the side of them that they can’t embrace. It’s the side of them that they can’t stand. Like a women who hates the way she looks and then smothers her face in makeup. In the book <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Kindred__ <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">, there were many displays of this truth from all the main characters. The first main character from the book is Dana. Her light side is her dark side. Her light side is the fact that, by nature, Dana is a loving, caring person and can’t help but be compassionate and kind. But her down fall, her dark side, is the fact that she can’t help but be compassionate and kind. In <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Kindred,__ <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Dana was commended and condemned for her acts of compassion. There’s one scene in particular where two slaves shun her so to speak. “I went into the cook house and the young man who had his mouth open to speak closed it quickly, looking at me with open hostility. The old man simply turned his back.” **//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Page 220, Dana’s words. //** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> This quote shows how basically most of the slaves reacted to Dana. They saw her as a “white nigger” as Alice, a main character slave, called her many times, because she was always around Rufus, a white son of a slave owner, and tending to him. Also, they were wary of her because she “spoke like a white person”. She talked and acted with education that in the time she had flashed back to, was not taught to slaves or just blacks in general. Most of the black slaves didn’t trust her. The only people who commended her were the few blacks who were her friends, Rufus, and Tom Weylin. There’s a part in the chapter “__The Rope”__ where Dana is having conflicting thoughts. She’s pinned down under Rufus and about to be raped by him. “He lay with his head on my shoulder, his left arm around me, his right hand still holding my hand, and slowly, I realized how easy it would be for me to continue to be still and and forgive him even this. So easy in spite of all my talk. But it would be so hard to rise the knife, drive it into the flesh I had saved so many times. So hard to kill...” **//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Page 259-260 Dana’s thoughts. //** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Dana’s softness finally hit her, at the last minute. Behind this quote is anger towards herself. She was angry by the fact that she could accept rape so easily. She was angry at the fact that she couldn’t help but forgive him. Luckily, she overcame her dark side and drove the knife through him. One character who couldn’t over come her down fall though was Alice, the third main character of the book. Alice was a good girl. Her light side was kind and intelligent and knew how to get things done. Her down fall though was that like Rufus, she wasn’t good at expressing herself. She didn’t know how to handle her emotions and sometimes she exploded in confused rage. Like on <span style="font-family: Baskerville,serif;">**//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">page 167 //** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">where Dana had been sent by Rufus to tell Alice that he wanted her to come sleep with him without resisting. Alice looks at Dana and asks what is she supposed to do. Dana tells her that she can’t give her advise because it’s her body. Alice replies sadly, “Not mine. Not mine, his. He paid for it, didn’t he?” Crying, she continues on about five lines down saying, “I ought to take a knife in there with me and cut his damn throat.” Then now channeling her confused sadness and anger for Rufus she glares at Dana and yells “Now go tell him that! Tell him I’m talking ‘bout killing him!” When Dana refuses Alice explodes at Dana. “Do your job! Go tell him! That’s what you’re for - to help white folks keep niggers down. That’s why he sent you to me.” **//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Alice’s words page 167 //**  <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">As you can see, Alice didn’t know how to properly get out the pain she was feeling and so the only way she could was to yell at Dana and try to make her feel as poorly as she did. I guess misery really does love company. Speaking of that, Rufus, the second main character of the book, was someone who LIVED to bring misery to everyone simply because he was miserable. He was controlling and overbearing, and show his love in odd, aggressive ways. “You’re not Leaving! Damn you, you’re not leaving me!” **//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Rufus’ words page 187 //**  <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">. These were the word he yelled at Dana and constantly told her throughout the book. He loved Dana but the only way for him to show it was to abuse her mentally and physically and keep her as basically his slave. He did this to another women name Alice. He loved her but she did have mutual feelings and ended up marrying a slave name Isaac. Rufus felt abandoned by her and betrayed and the only way he knew how to express him self was to abuse her. “Did you manage to rape that girl?” Dana’s <span style="font-family: Baskerville,serif;">**//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">words Page 122 //** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> “I begged her not to go with him, Do you hear me, I begged her! I didn’t want to just drag her off into the bushes, I never wanted it to be like that. But she kept saying no.” <span style="font-family: Baskerville,serif;">**//<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Rufus’ Words page 124 //** <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">As you can see, Rufus felt bad about what he did, but he felt like he had his back against a wall in the situation. He felt like there was no other choice to make but rape her. Odd way to express love, right? Turns out, that by the end of this book this scene along with a few others made Rufus hate himself to the point where he just wanted to die.

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">With Dana, Rufus, and Alice, All three characters had a part of them that they didn’t like or hated even. Each character dealt with their dark side differently though. Dana worked to overcome hers before it lead to her downfall. Alice and Rufus decided to live with theirs, but they let it consume them and it resulted in them both ending up dead. Either way, just like you or I, we all have a dark side. We all have something about us that we don’t like. It’s up to us how we handle it though.

4. Macbeth Creative

For my Macbeth creative project I designed and made a 3-D map, so to speak, of the growth of one of the main characters name Lady Macbeth. It went through the process of her being a women who would do anything for a man that she loved. Even to the extreme of taking another man's life. The map shows how she went from wanting to help him achieve a dream, to wanted to achieve the dream for the both of them, to wanting to achieve the dream all by herself. This was a growth of greed and power. In the process of that growth happening, she had a second growth. A growth and callousing of the heart. Throughout the book she forced herself to be cold and blocked up all her emotions inside. Unfortunately at the end of the map, she gets consumed in her channeled and caged feelings and it drives her to insanity. She ended killing herself because the sudden combustion of her explosive, locked away self. I like this project because it kind of laid out a map of my life and how it would possible end. I'm the kind of person to keep thing locked within myself because I don't like throwing out what goes through my heart and mind to people. There have been plenty of times where I've gotten over loaded with stress and hidden harsh feelings and then they all come raging out of me all at once and i have o say that it is NOT pretty. Also, If not stress and explosions, i'm probably going to die trying to do something to make a man happy because when it comes to my babes, I'm aways willing to do something for them, no matter how wild or crazy or messed it is usually.

5. Journal One -


 * //<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">A Journal Of April 27th //**

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">In English class I enjoy the journals that Ms. Dunn Gives us but most of the time I have a lot of things on my mind and heart and when that happens I want to write it out. So a lot of times during journal, I’ll start the topic she gives then my mind will drift off, take hold of my pen, and then I begin to write whatever is bothering me. This is one of those drifted journals. It turned out to be a poem :

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">No promises No promises No promises for the future No promises for this to never end You say no promises So how is it that I make promises to you I feel so… dirty and desperate right now Holding on to this dying love Not knowing if it will come to an end or not This feels so pointless So pointless to give myself to you right now Knowing that there’s NO PROMISE of us My body is something that I want to share with love Something I want to share with someone who will love me forever And the fact, is you’re saying “No promises that I’ll love you much longer” I feel used I feel betrayed I feel confused I feel like crying And I’ve been crying And I’ll probably always be crying Over you Because unlike the way you feel, I love you Honestly Without a doubt, love you I go through things like you do But I don’t question us over something that happens to I Because I Know for a fact that you’re everything I want Because I Know that you CAN BE everything I need Because I Thought that I knew that you loved me more than anything Because I Thought that you could hold on to me forever But like always, I Guess that I’m blind And see false things Like always, I Should just stop dreaming Because like always, I Never realize that Fairytales just don’t exist and I’ll never have my happy ending No promises that this breakup won’t kill me No promises that this breakup won’t crush my dreams No promises that I’ll ever be the same after this No promises…

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">I wish you could promise this cliff I’m hanging on is stable

6. Journal Two -

This started off as a drifted journal that i modified and finished for when Ms.Dunn had the class revise a journal and record ourselves saying it. I modified this again today (June 10th), so that it was up to date with my current situation.

//**<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Opposites Attract **// //**<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">But after a while… All Magnets Loose their Magnetism **// //**<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">By: D4 3m0 Pr!nc3zz Kammii **// <span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">

Science proves that opposites attract so I guess that’s why I was so drawn to this new love. Like a serial killer and killing, loving him was second nature, but like all natures, they are made as easily as they are broken which is how, this time, I thought I knew I wasn’t addicted. This time, I had the option and capability to quit. And the beauty of it all is that this time, I didn’t want to. And the beauty of it all is that I didn’t need to because this love didn’t hurt. I thought it healed and helped revealed the parts of me that without this new love I probably would have never discovered.

I say this, because with that once new love of mine, I found him bringing out every part of me. I find us prying each other open, smashing through the inner barriers that we’ve built from past pains and building new forts that include us together as one. We crafted dreams from past tragedies. We built cities of our fantasies to escape our reality. We masked pain with pleasure and made up for our lies with truth, and I loved the fact that I could say we instead of I.

I’ve been “I” for too long because I’ve been “I” since forever. I am tired of “I” because I can’t handle everything on my own anymore. Life’s gotten to complex and has stress around every corner I turn and crying to myself doesn’t make the pain go away anymore. Lying to myself doesn’t make the hurts of this life any easier to bare. Misery loves company they say and maybe that’s why I need to to have “we” instead of I. I love to share my burdens with him even though I know I’m burdening him too. I love to share my sadness with him even though I know he’ll be sad too. What’s even more great about it is that he takes it... and he wants it. He wants to share in my emotions and he wants to know what goes on in my head. Funny... Most people want to know what goes on in my head. What’s even more funny is that no one ever really tries.

That lover of mine was one of the four people who had seen EVERY side of me, and had been all inside my head and I was to the point where I wasn’t really afraid to show him me as a whole. He was my safe zone because I could be myself around him and with him and it wasn’t forced or fake. I could be me... It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do that... a very long while... Sad though… because that new love of mine turned on me. And now it’ll probably be an even longer while until I can say that again. Because I’m hurt… //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">I put in my all and everything into him even though I knew trusting him would be like trusting a scorpion. An animal that by nature couldn’t help but stab you in the back. He loved me at one point and I know that for a fact but at some point something went wrong // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And our love began to deflate and I couldn’t make it go back // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Issues from the world outside of the one we built together began to spill in // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And neither of us knew how to stop it so we couldn’t defend // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">It felt like in seconds everything we made began to dissolve away // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Our kingdom fell to ruins, Our dreams turned to nightmares // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And the man that I once loved was no longer there. He was gone. // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Behind my back he had reconstructed his barriers and // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Behind my back he had remade his walls and // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Enforced it with hatred, hurt, pain // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Then began attacking me with // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And stabbing me by revealing lies // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And Killng me softly with his words // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Words that before now I thought I would of never heard // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And it crushed me // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Confused me and abused me to the point where I couldn’t stand him or me // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Then yesterday he pushed me over the edge // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">I wanted to talk but no words we bleed. Instead, fighting led // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Our confrontation. A simple query for a hug led to us wrestling and me swear // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">While the whole time he was threatening and the whole time I was daring // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">I wanted him to hit me. I wanted him to hurt me. I wanted him to give me a reason to hate him // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Give me a reason to disdain him // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Give me a reason to want him to die // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Because wanting him dead was the only way I’d get him my head // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And the only way I could stop the midnight cries. But he wouldn’t really physically harm me and it angered me because if he supposedly hated me then he should have been able to bash me // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">But he wouldn’t // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And I couldn’t // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Stand it… // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Sadness and anger took hold of me for a second and it beckoned for me to find // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">An opening and take it // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">So I took it and for a split second I was gone // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And for a split second my fist was within the line of fire for shattering his jaw // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">But I looked into his eyes, and almost cried and pulled the punch so that it didn’t really hurt // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">Even though now a part of me wishes that I did. A part of me wishes that I took the shot at full power // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And showered him and agony as I cracked his face into pieces. // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">And I could have. I could of plowed my fist into him then soared in with the other while he stood in shock and broken him to nothingness… // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">But I seem to find that it’s sad… // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">We opposites attracted but // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; text-align: center;">After a while all magnets lose their magnetism… // //<span style="display: block; font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif; font-style: normal; text-align: center;">Maybe it’s best I stay unmagnetized… //

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">//7. Journal Three -

I wrote this in February... James was upset with me because I'd be upset many times and never tell him why. He was fussing about how the only way he ever could find something out was by stealing my diary out my book bag when i left it alone. It's funny though... He wanted me to trust him, and feel safe with him but the second I completely opened up myself to him, he ruins it all, proving what my hearts knows for a fact that people are bad and they can't be trusted because all they do is hurt.

"But I'm not everyone" he says like it'd make a difference I know he isn't everyone but it doesn't change my preference And my personality prefers to not tell how i feel And unveil the deep real shit that fills through my heart And travels and leaves marks of its presence all through out me And yet he still wonders to me "Why don't you tell me the important things" The emotional things that fling and bing And bong long drawn out songs of explosive feelings and it's silly But I can't seem to get it out of my mouth When anyone's around I loose sound I loose voice And I don't have a choice in the matter Because my thoughts don't matter to my heart My heart knows what it knows and knows not to show Verbal hints of the shit that goes on inside of it Because it's been trained to diguise it from the world and around The world that I live in that has drowned any chances it's had At me trusting it Because it Kept hurting me and teaching me that I can't spill the ill feels of feelings That feel all over me And you expect fourteen years of emotional solitude to just vanish Well it's kind of insanish For you to assume I can do that just like that 'Cause it's a definite fact that I can't And I ask you to be patient because I need time To reverse the curse cursed upon me To curse the world and shut it out

... I've got to wonder now... Is reversing this curse to curse the world the best thing to do...

8. Journal Four -

I wrote this March 6th. I was feeling really crappy about my life, my situations, the people around... Everything... And I was wondering to myself, what is the point of all of this? I was wondering to myself why people had to go through so much pain and suffering and for what?//

//<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande',tahoma,verdana,arial,sans-serif; font-size: 9px; font-style: normal; line-height: 11px;">I look into the glass-like glossed eyes of mine and realize the reality that they're not real... Like the smile on a properly prepared celebrity, it's rehearsed, planned, perfected and most of all, false and The false reflection of my eyes reflects the fakeness of my life and the fakeness of who i am and I wonder now as i stare into these glass-like glossed hollowed sad excuse for a pair of eyes What the hell is the point of my life What is the purpose of of the basic blankness that is me Because I'm just a blank piece of paper Waiting for a life to be written onto it and until the story of my life comes along I just seem to hop through and tag along to others and It makes me still have to wonder What's the point What's the point of me living my life if every single day til the day i die, i live it feeling like this Half full Half Complete Half Happy Half fullfilled and Half assed What's the point if everything I do in my life isn't worth anything because everything that I deem as something will probably turn out to be nothing because I don't seem to make a difference anyway No one cares... Even if they say they do I can't seem to feel the feeling that they supposedly feel towards me and at the end of the night when the one who claims to love me the most is fast a sleep in my ear I still seem to feel like there's no one near And no one around who truely cares and at the end of the night I'm alone Even though twenty four seven I'm surrounded by people, I'm still alone And I hate this feeling that has made it's home in my heart and from what it seems, it's here to stay The entire world knows it and is waiting for me to accept it Except that I don't want to accept the harsh fact that there's no one here except me I walk home alone and watch the sun shake it's head at me, turning it's back on me Ashamed at how much of a miserable excuse of a living being that I am Then the moon rises to watch and join in my sorrow that slowly hollows my soul waiting for the day for my weak spirit to break so it can break me and take me away from this earth Away from the hurt And when I think about it, I wonder, what's the point And I wonder Why Do I try to succeed in this life if at the end I'm just going to die What's the point If I end It now I save myself the trouble of all the things I'll suffer but on the flip side I go to hell The bible tells And I wonder again Don't I deserve to burn I've accomplished nothing to deserve God's land of eternal luxury I don't believe I deserve his glory And maybe it's that reason that I try so hard to be good But I can't because deep down I'm just a bad person Selfish Sad Manipulative Stupid and Naive Unachieved at moving a heart Seeing how all I do is get my own broken and hurt And everytime I fall down in the dirt of shattered love I pick my pathetic self up and just cling on to another Glass-Heart-shattering person and wait until he drops my love And lets the cycle repeat probably until the day when my heart misses a beat and Fades away from me Just like everything else It'll fade away from me So I ask you I ask you.... What Is My God Damned Point

//

9. Reflection:

This portfolio is basically what my entire 9th grade life was about. This year in 9th grade revolved around me trying to get an understanding of what and who I am, what the purpose of my life is, why people act the way they act, why things have to happen, and why people change. But most of all this year and portfolio stands as a reminder and symbol of how easily damaged I can get when open up myself to someone, and that trusting people completely and getting attached to people isn't an option right now.

When someone is done reading this, I want them to be able to know a couple different things. Firstly, I wanted to give readers a glimpse at what's been going through my mind this year because I know that many people have been wondering. Secondly, I want readers to take a look through my eyes and see if they've ever felt the way I felt because the fact is, I feel pretty alone in my troubles and pains.

-My strengths in English, I believe is my creativity and capability to find deep connections in just about everything that I write about. I always look for a deeper meaning and I can always find a way to add my own style and voice into my writing. My weakness though is organization because my mind gets so many ideas on one topic and then when I try to get them all into something I write it turns out to be confusing and disorganized and no one can see the message behind it but me. I need to work on not letting my thoughts run away with my pen and staying focused on the topic I'm writing about.

This Portfolio turned out to be two days late the issues was that a lot was going on between me and people and I kept getting more ideas and kept thinking to myself "this should be in here" or "I definitely need to write about this" and then when it came to putting the portfolio together my thoughts were scrambled everywhere and I just couldn't decide what to do with everything. Even now, I have a feeling that my portfolio is jumbled and won't get across all the messages that I wanted it to have. The one piece in this Portfolio that I'm proud of would be my Kindred Essay. I say that because, firstly, that was my favorite book to read this year and secondly, because this was the essay that reflected myself the most. I found a piece of myself in all three characters that I wrote about in that essay and then evaluated it to help not only understand the characters of the book but to also understand myself.

This year I've learned a couple things. I've learned that the heart is the greatest weapon but all the greatest weakness of a human, people are who they are and are incapable from changing because we're human. I've always been the shy, quiet, goody goody girl who was smart and fun to hang with. That will always be me. Another thing I learned is that you NEVER stop loving someone.., you just train yourself to live without them. That's what I'm in the process of doing. I'm quickly numbing myself to him because I don't want to love anymore but i'm incapable of hating. THe final thing I learned is that, your first instinct is usually the right one. I've believed my entire life that trusting people will only get me hurt. And every time I've gotten completely trusting with someone they've hurt me and left me. Because of my age and the optimism that comes with it I stepped out of my belief and all I did was get hurt. But I'm tired of the race of humans because none of us can be trusted. So I'm going to numb myself to the world and I hope to never get attached again.